1. The suffocating feeling comes right after the end of Noble Silence. It doesn't even matter if I've learned anything in the course, or how it helped me understand myself, if I had terminated my suffering, whatsoever... The truth gets ridiculously obvious.What I did in these 10 days is an extreme escape from life, from making choices, from freedom, you name it. Am I doing any spiritual searching like what I did before? am I? or maybe, I've got the final answer already, and its name is Existentialism. My pain does not come from craving. Maybe not even hatred. But it comes from the lost of passion. Helplessly numb. Buddha, how shall I rebuild my attachment to things in life?
   
2. Thanks to the discourses, I finally got a more objective (hope I'm not fooling myself- it is so easy for one to get fooled by their arrogance when it comes to objectivity and rationality) view on Christianity. Is that what the Zen called "see the mountains once again as mountains"?!
   I mean, if you substitute the word 'Jesus'  or 'God' with kindness, or happiness, everything makes sense again, isn't it? Take away the parts you find unacceptable and remain those which help. How people create God in their own image really pissed me off... but there is too much good to be Christian. I mean it. My parents and sister are the best examples- loving and kind human beings. Prayers before meals are not necessarily meaningless rituals even though the food is obviously not prepared by God (if God exists) - if it cultivates one's gratitude, and gratitude is scientifically proven helpful to mental health.
   Very simple and obvious! Why does it take me so long to REALLY UNDERSTAND?
   When we were taught about the 10 Paramis, I thought of the fruits of the Holy Spirit. And I am thankful such words are deeply rooted in my head :-)

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. — Galatians 5:22-23

 Logic, morality, theories are not the question. "DOES IT WORK?" is.